101 Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember | Reader's Digest Submitted by Reid Faylor. That's why it's helpful to have a good one-liner in your back pocket. You could break a ball bearing with a rubber mallet. 72. Thats him, comes the reply. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. Its these harrowing situations that wake you out of a sound sleep suddenly fresh with dozens of snappy one-liners you wish you would have said. First, lets make sure hes dead., Theres a silence, then a shot. One day, I saw him reach for the glass of dandelion water and stopped him just before he drank from it. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora.'. If anything, it made him more sluggish. Im following the one who called me miss. The Hello, maam one should take note. @anniemumary. When I told him, he pointed out that I really had failed to organise a piss-up in a brewery. My Grandmother's favorite saying was actually a song. I just sold a screenplay for $200,000. To get to the other side. She then reassured him by adding, Now, if you do everything Ive told you, you wont be with us for long.. Im okay, he says, but I didnt like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery. What did he say? the nurse asks. Oh, hey, kettle, Im pot and wow, youre black. Olivia Cunning, Tie Me, 26. Im friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. They always take things literally. 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. Fo drizzle! A: Get off the carousel. Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. Dont miss these bad jokes you cant help but laugh at. One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. He told me to stop going there. Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadnt made any plans, and trying to figure out how the hell you hurt your back., 31. "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? Good luck figuring out which one., 28. The point of being sarcastic is that its cool and effortless. Don't be the person to initiate that. The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team 45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? When tea was served, the Queen removed her cup from her saucer. Everyone loves a smartass, whether they want to admit it or not. Im in your driveway., 47. Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snails pace. What are you doing? Counting your ribs.Submitted by William Halliday. What else do you want? Id love to have a red Porsche, he says. Listen, the crook says, you dont want any trouble, and neither do I. Here are 75 short jokes anyone can remember! Is that you?. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Oscar Wilde, 42. Dont stick around for follow ups because youll lose the power. But two weeks later, theres still no sign of the mutt. Again, he hears the booming voice: There are no fish under the ice!, He nervously looks up and asks, Lord? He was just going through a stage. Got anything less expensive?Submitted by Rosemary Covert, Snake 1: Are we poisonous? Up in heaven, she sees God. 50 of the best lines from Peep Show Thanks! Tap To Copy. As a scarecrow, people say Im outstanding in my field. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.. How did you do it? he asked. But in honour of Saint Patrick, I thought Id buy you a sham-rock.Anonymous, My wifes clinic called my home number to tell me that they couldnt accept 911 as her emergency contact. I always say Morning instead of Good Morning, because if it was a good morning, I would still be in my bed and not talking to people., 2. As he tried to catch his breath, the passenger said, Im sorry I gave you a joltit was my fault. No, it was mine, the driver said. Months? ", "I was wondering, why does a Frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer. Submitted by Fred Meckley, A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west! Rodney Dangerfield. Check out more bad dad jokes from Twitter that will have you chuckling. Rod Stewart - Maggie May Lyrics | AZLyrics.com Im not insulting you, Im describing you., 39. Find out the 10 things you should never say to a Canadian. That's why we've rounded up that set of (clean) jokes for adults and kids alike that will have the whole family laughing. That water is yucky!, He replied, Well, it tasted good yesterday. Tammy McKenzie, High River, Alberta, While cleaning out the garage, I found an old protest sign that read, DISARM TODAY! On the other side, it said, DAT ARM TOMORROW.Submitted by Jim Vandermaas, You know, people dont usually compliment me on my driving, so I was very pleased this morning when I saw a note on my car that said, Parking fine. That was very nice of them! I dont know what he laced them with, but Ive been tripping all day. 3. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctors office. 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes short for? These hilarious tweets are guaranteed to make you grin! The bartender shakes his head. Youre not trying to get a laugh in most cases, youre trying to insult. 100 Good Comebacks Best Funny, Witty Comebacks Ever - Parade Should be fun, but it costs $500. In reference to someone's accuracy with a gun. 50 Smartass & Sarcastic Quotes to Leave Anyone Speechless & Confused Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Theres just one condition. You can only stalk them and hope for the best." [Read: 55 funny quotes about love and all its complications] 6. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. A: Copies. 58 Seriously Messed Up Jokes You'll Feel Guilty Laughing At Sadly, female airline pilots are still relatively rare. Well well wellif it isnt autocorrect. Submitted by Craig Sharf, The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize youre not in shape for it, its too far to walk back. Try these funny birthday jokes! I was browsing in the mens department at Neiman Marcus when a knitted black designer blazer caught my eye. He said, I want you to trace someone for me. 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes You never know when you might kneed these jokes. Then it hit me. Check out our bestshort jokes! I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? View a fight that stems from an ill-fated joke not as a reason to withdraw or get defensive but as a vehicle for intimacy. Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? "c**tpuffin, "It's always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they're always taking things literally. Aha! Jokes > Funny Insults > You're stupid 15 What does the word contemplate mean? the college student asked his English professor. The detective asks, Is that your husband? Yes, replies the woman. Whats a Queen without her King? Bark is on tree, trees are in nature. Are you at peace with God?, Larry replies, God and I are tight. No joke. 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes Well, theyre not laughing now. But it was me first day with the hook.. Theseclever jokescould make anyone sound smart! You didnt look to your right, yelled the frightened inspector. Especially if youve got hay fever. Milton Jones. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. A few minutes later, he asks againstill no reply. Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep on the floor. He was a tackling dummy. Thats where we come in! Our doctors office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. Submitted by Joni Krats, Working in a library, one of the tasks we have to do twice a week is call patrons about their overdue items. All Im saying is, if you caught me, then you were speeding too., 44. One day I had to call someone about a late book entitled Dont Forget: Easy Exercises for a Better Memory. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. Uncle G: How much does it cost to stay in it? Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?, 18. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Why cant you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? This is one of the times in life when you should keep a straight face. Start in England and drive west. Hes in the village over the other direction.. | He seems fine now, says the vet. Then they responded, confused, Excuse me, maam, but youre at Tim Hortons. Submitted by Wendy Singedonk. You wont look cool if you show everyone just how happy you are with your efforts! 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners Im coming to live with you.Submitted by Joan Vercueil, A couple of cockroaches are munching on the contents of a garbage can in a deserted alley. Between you and me, something smells. Whenever we'd start talking and she didn't want to hear it she would sing, "Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole, to wipe his butt hole, and see the world!!". New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Whoever told you to be yourself gave you really bad advice [Read: Ready to charm? 'Submitted by John Langley. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? Dont miss these wild tales of the worlds dumbest criminals. Just then, a saleswoman appeared. The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, Nice going! Lord, he prays. Spell elephant,' the older one said. You may not be able to get your kid to eat their greens, but you can at least get a laugh out of them at the dinner table with this comprehensive list of the funniest food jokes for kids. Submitted by Terry Sangster. A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy? ._38lwnrIpIyqxDfAF1iwhcV{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-lineColor);border:none;height:1px;margin:16px 0}._37coyt0h8ryIQubA7RHmUc{margin-top:12px;padding-top:12px}._2XJvPvYIEYtcS4ORsDXwa3,._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE,.icon._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE{border-radius:100%;box-sizing:border-box;-ms-flex:none;flex:none;margin-right:8px}._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE,.icon._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE{background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:100%;height:54px;width:54px;font-size:54px;line-height:54px}._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4,.icon._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4{filter:blur()}.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M,.icon.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M{border-radius:100%;box-sizing:border-box;-ms-flex:none;flex:none;margin-right:8px;background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:100%;height:36px;width:36px}.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4,.icon.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4{filter:blur()}._3nzVPnRRnrls4DOXO_I0fn{margin:auto 0 auto auto;padding-top:10px;vertical-align:middle}._3nzVPnRRnrls4DOXO_I0fn ._1LAmcxBaaqShJsi8RNT-Vp i{color:unset}._2bWoGvMqVhMWwhp4Pgt4LP{margin:16px 0;font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px}.icon.tWeTbHFf02PguTEonwJD0{margin-right:4px;vertical-align:top}._2AbGMsrZJPHrLm9e-oyW1E{width:180px;text-align:center}.icon._1cB7-TWJtfCxXAqqeyVb2q{cursor:pointer;margin-left:6px;height:14px;fill:#dadada;font-size:12px;vertical-align:middle}.hpxKmfWP2ZiwdKaWpefMn{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-active);background-size:cover;background-image:var(--newCommunityTheme-banner-backgroundImage);background-position-y:center;background-position-x:center;background-repeat:no-repeat;border-radius:3px 3px 0 0;height:34px;margin:-12px -12px 10px}._20Kb6TX_CdnePoT8iEsls6{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin-bottom:8px}._20Kb6TX_CdnePoT8iEsls6>*{display:inline-block;vertical-align:middle}.t9oUK2WY0d28lhLAh3N5q{margin-top:-23px}._2KqgQ5WzoQRJqjjoznu22o{display:inline-block;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;position:relative}._2D7eYuDY6cYGtybECmsxvE{-ms-flex:1 1 auto;flex:1 1 auto;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis}._2D7eYuDY6cYGtybECmsxvE:hover{text-decoration:underline}._19bCWnxeTjqzBElWZfIlJb{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;display:inline-block}._2TC7AdkcuxFIFKRO_VWis8{margin-left:10px;margin-top:30px}._2TC7AdkcuxFIFKRO_VWis8._35WVFxUni5zeFkPk7O4iiB{margin-top:35px}._1LAmcxBaaqShJsi8RNT-Vp{padding:0 2px 0 4px;vertical-align:middle}._2BY2-wxSbNFYqAy98jWyTC{margin-top:10px}._3sGbDVmLJd_8OV8Kfl7dVv{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:21px;margin-top:8px;word-wrap:break-word}._1qiHDKK74j6hUNxM0p9ZIp{margin-top:12px}.Jy6FIGP1NvWbVjQZN7FHA,._326PJFFRv8chYfOlaEYmGt,._1eMniuqQCoYf3kOpyx83Jj,._1cDoUuVvel5B1n5wa3K507{-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center;margin-top:12px;width:100%}._1eMniuqQCoYf3kOpyx83Jj{margin-bottom:8px}._2_w8DCFR-DCxgxlP1SGNq5{margin-right:4px;vertical-align:middle}._1aS-wQ7rpbcxKT0d5kjrbh{border-radius:4px;display:inline-block;padding:4px}._2cn386lOe1A_DTmBUA-qSM{border-top:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-lineColor);margin-top:10px}._2Zdkj7cQEO3zSGHGK2XnZv{display:inline-block}.wzFxUZxKK8HkWiEhs0tyE{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);cursor:pointer;text-align:left;margin-top:2px}._3R24jLERJTaoRbM_vYd9v0._3R24jLERJTaoRbM_vYd9v0._3R24jLERJTaoRbM_vYd9v0{display:none}.yobE-ux_T1smVDcFMMKFv{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px}._1vPW2g721nsu89X6ojahiX{margin-top:12px}._pTJqhLm_UAXS5SZtLPKd{text-transform:none} I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue? I said No, just a watch. The boy screams. During one visit, we were both busy with this task when the phone rang. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him., They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. The light goes off.. How old are you? Thirty-six.Submitted by Melissa Steginus, The other day I was thinking, I must be the most unobservant person in the world. Then I thought, Well, maybe other people are equally unobservant and I just havent noticed before.Submitted by D. Norris, I love that TV show with all the different video clips of things going disastrously wrong. I've only got myshelf to . In a normal tone, he asks, Honey, whats for supper?, So he moves to the other end of the room and repeats, Honey, whats for supper? Still no response. Im doing great! Im coming over to live with you. To which her mother replies, No, no, darling. 105 of the best short jokes and one-liners to get you laughing in seconds Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora. The captain comes ashore and notices three huts. He immediately smells alcohol on the priests breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket? After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. Thats just how I roll. Snake 1: I just bit my lip. What's a cat's favorite dessert? "A thief broke into the police headquarters during the night and took all the toilets. The only reason Im fat is because a tiny body couldnt store all this personality.[Read: How to be funny and make people love your company], 29. None, I replied. At one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to his left, and cruised straight through the stop sign. Check out these up-and-coming Canadian comediansand their best jokes! Thats when youll want to have an arsenal of coy, yet hilarious, comebacks ready in your back pocket. Jokes You Couldn't Tell Today - YouTube While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. I cant, says the poodle. I said 40. You said I had 30 more years to live, she complains. Submitted by Ryan George, Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice. Will that cleanse my sin from me? No, but itll wipe that stupid smile off your face.Submitted by Edward F. Castellanos, You wont be able to un-see these funny stock photos. Honey, whats for supper? No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. Marie Faustin, comedian. Tap To Copy. The light goes on. Check out more funny examples of irony in real life. I found them. 2. These smartlight bulb jokes are truly illuminating. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? Theres a smartass quote for that. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. Ill call you back when youre alone. Jim Pietsch in The New York City Cab Drivers Joke Book, If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die. @hodgesboi15, Have children while your parents are young enough to take care of them. Rita Rudner, A mom texts, Hi! 15. Soccer is one of the most played sports in America. ._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{width:100%}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF,._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF{-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center;max-width:100%}._1CVe5UNoFFPNZQdcj1E7qb{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:4px}._2UOVKq8AASb4UjcU1wrCil{height:28px;width:28px;margin-top:6px}.FB0XngPKpgt3Ui354TbYQ{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:start;align-items:flex-start;-ms-flex-direction:column;flex-direction:column;margin-left:8px;min-width:0}._3tIyrJzJQoNhuwDSYG5PGy{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%}.TIveY2GD5UQpMI7hBO69I{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;color:var(--newRedditTheme-titleText);white-space:nowrap;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis}.e9ybGKB-qvCqbOOAHfFpF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%;max-width:100%;margin-top:2px}.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5{font-weight:400;box-sizing:border-box}._28u73JpPTG4y_Vu5Qute7n{margin-left:4px} The air is so fresh it smells like flowers. Stop! cries the second cockroach. Please joke responsibly. ' Tim Vine, I have kleptomania. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? He downs it, leaps off the roofand plummets 15 stories to the ground. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldnt find any. Tommy Cooper. You cheap bum! she yells. But I had to call you because Im in awe of his relationship with God. Having trouble crafting the perfect message for a birthday card? All of these build a cushion of positivity, warmth, and trust between partners. Thats exactly the effect you want to have! I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasnt. 3.. If Im a sarcastic asshole when I talk to you, its either because I really like you and feel comfortable teasing you, or I really hate you and dont care if you know it. Teasing in and of itself is not always negativein fact, in many circumstances, it is wonderful. I approached the speaker and placed my order: a Big Mac, large fries and a chocolate shake. What are similar phrases like "You couldn't kick a tire - reddit He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Learn them and youll never have that I wish Id said that moment again! Submitted by Hoss Alfred. 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be, How to Talk to Your White Male Partner About Race, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. Lemme try some of that! The man grabs the beer. You couldn't hit the broadside of a barn from inside the barn. The feel-good session ended when I read the fortune cookie: You will soon be reunited with a good friend. Stanley Heerboth, My wife does this cute thing now and then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items. @cravin4. Why did the chicken go to the sance? As a result, while in uniform, Im often mistaken for a flight attendant, a ticket agent, or even a snack bar employee. How many times did you hit him? asks the detective. 100 of Homer Simpsons greatest quotes The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, Not guilty. The defendant leaps to his feet. "Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. Tig Notaro, comedian. How ironic that teasing is something that can both enhance connection and sever it. I dont know, she replies. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. She was so ugly she could trick or treat over the telephone. Submitted by James Hewitt, Marriage is just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin. The first one says, Weeoouhh. The next whale says, Shut up, Steve. 2. [Read: 101 savage good comebacks for every witty, funny or rude comeback], 1. !" It was a long, dramatic, drawn-out way of telling us to shut-up. The bartender says, Whatll you have? The skeleton says, Gimme a beer and a mop..
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